The moment I found out I was pregnant was not a joyous one.

I did not have the excitement, or happiness that you see on Clearblue adverts. I was not thrilled by the fact that there was a tiny human being inside me. I was terrified.

Of course, not everyone’s story is like mine – but there are many, many women who do not expect or do not want to be pregnant. Some, like me, make the choice to continue with their pregnancy, learn to accept it and in time enjoy it. Others, continue their pregnancy because they have to; even though it is not what they want. In my birthplace, there is an ongoing debate about whether women should be allowed the opportunity to consider termination as an option, and so, inspired by the debate, I have sat down to write.

I do not claim to speak for women in general, nor do I assume that everyone who is pro-choice will have the same reasons for their belief. But I want to share my person views on this topic, because I believe, very strongly, that abortion is not a privilege, and that we should remove the societal stigma associated with it.

When I found out I was pregnant, a lot went through my mind. I was confused, scared, and despite my partner being in the next room, I felt alone. This was my body, and my life that was about to be turned entirely upside-down. As a student, and a young woman, I had plans, I had dreams, and I had every intention of living my life to the fullest, before I wanted to start a family. My partner and I talked, and the next morning I went to see my GP. I immediately asked about my options, including termination, because I needed to know all the avenues I could choose from. My GP arranged a visit to the BPAS clinic and there I was allowed to discuss everything I was feeling, all my thoughts and concerns, and I was given a lot of information about every option I had.

Still unsure, I booked a termination.

This was not a whimsical decision. I spent many nights thinking about it, and I spent many hours trying to process all of my emotions. Like many women, I chose not to tell anyone I knew, and so I was very much alone. Personally, I needed it this way, because it meant that apart from professional information and discussion, I had no other influences (aside from my partner, who was extremely supportive).

The process I went through involved speaking to multiple medical professionals, and then at the end, I explained that my heart was still heavy, and I needed some more time to process what was happening. I booked a termination for 2 weeks later, and was assured I could cancel it at any time if I decided not to go ahead.

This was empowering.

I knew that regardless of my decision, I was in control. My body, still in the very early stages of pregnancy, showed no signs of my baby. I researched all the options I had discussed, and I learned that termination was as much a trauma for the body as childbirth. It is not something that women go into lightly, and the effects that it can have are sometimes lasting. Still, I knew that I had a choice.

The fact that I had the choice was what mattered. The fact that I could decide what to do, allowed me to feel like things would be okay. The reality I had to face was hard; because either choice that I made, I would have to process, emotionally and physically, but the fact that I had the choice, made all the difference.

I went from being a terrified girl in the bathroom, wondering how the hell she got there, to a woman with a difficult decision to make about her life.

After a lot of deliberation, sleepless nights and difficult hours, I eventually made the choice to cancel my termination appointment. I was confident when I did so, because I had been given the time to consider what I wanted. I knew that I couldn’t control what was going to happen, but I felt liberated by the knowledge that it was my decision at the end of the day. I embraced the curve-ball that the universe threw at me, and almost 18 months later I am embracing everything that motherhood brings now too. I have an immense network of support. My village is large, spanning cities and countries, and I know that I am privileged to have the support that I do. I knew I had this village when I made my decision; if not, I might have made a different one.

Six months after my baby was born, after hours of study, I sit and I write this. I love my son immensely, and I wouldn’t change the decision I made. Yet even now, there are moments that I wonder what my life would have been like, I would not have the same struggles, and I would not face the same battles.

In no way to I regret my decision; my baby is the best thing in my life right now, and the love I have for him is immeasurable, but a lot of my love and appreciation stems from the fact that I made the decision to continue with my pregnancy and to birth my baby. If I had been robbed of that choice; if I had not been allowed to consider the idea that motherhood was not what I wanted at the time, then I think somewhere inside me, even with all the love, there would have been a feeling of grief. I am privileged to have been allowed to choose, and for that I am grateful.

Abortion is not a privilege.

If we teach our children that the choices they make will shape their lives, then we should be encouraging as much choice as possible. Nobody, young or old, wise or foolish deserves to be backed into the corner of having a baby they did not plan or or do not want. We empower people with choices, and we encourage real thought in order to make decisions.

Abortion may not be something you would choose. It may be something you have never thought about. It may be something that you were denied. We tend to ignore the controversial issues in small conversations, but I encourage you to break this norm. Lets talk about this. Let’s put abortion on the agenda, because once it is there, we not only empower women with the choice about their bodies, but we inspire our children to be a little bit more open minded, and we encourage societal change.