Month: January 2018

Abortion is Not a Privilege

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

The moment I found out I was pregnant was not a joyous one.

I did not have the excitement, or happiness that you see on Clearblue adverts. I was not thrilled by the fact that there was a tiny human being inside me. I was terrified.

Of course, not everyone’s story is like mine – but there are many, many women who do not expect or do not want to be pregnant. Some, like me, make the choice to continue with their pregnancy, learn to accept it and in time enjoy it. Others, continue their pregnancy because they have to; even though it is not what they want. In my birthplace, there is an ongoing debate about whether women should be allowed the opportunity to consider termination as an option, and so, inspired by the debate, I have sat down to write.

I do not claim to speak for women in general, nor do I assume that everyone who is pro-choice will have the same reasons for their belief. But I want to share my person views on this topic, because I believe, very strongly, that abortion is not a privilege, and that we should remove the societal stigma associated with it.

When I found out I was pregnant, a lot went through my mind. I was confused, scared, and despite my partner being in the next room, I felt alone. This was my body, and my life that was about to be turned entirely upside-down. As a student, and a young woman, I had plans, I had dreams, and I had every intention of living my life to the fullest, before I wanted to start a family. My partner and I talked, and the next morning I went to see my GP. I immediately asked about my options, including termination, because I needed to know all the avenues I could choose from. My GP arranged a visit to the BPAS clinic and there I was allowed to discuss everything I was feeling, all my thoughts and concerns, and I was given a lot of information about every option I had.

Still unsure, I booked a termination.

This was not a whimsical decision. I spent many nights thinking about it, and I spent many hours trying to process all of my emotions. Like many women, I chose not to tell anyone I knew, and so I was very much alone. Personally, I needed it this way, because it meant that apart from professional information and discussion, I had no other influences (aside from my partner, who was extremely supportive).

The process I went through involved speaking to multiple medical professionals, and then at the end, I explained that my heart was still heavy, and I needed some more time to process what was happening. I booked a termination for 2 weeks later, and was assured I could cancel it at any time if I decided not to go ahead.

This was empowering.

I knew that regardless of my decision, I was in control. My body, still in the very early stages of pregnancy, showed no signs of my baby. I researched all the options I had discussed, and I learned that termination was as much a trauma for the body as childbirth. It is not something that women go into lightly, and the effects that it can have are sometimes lasting. Still, I knew that I had a choice.

The fact that I had the choice was what mattered. The fact that I could decide what to do, allowed me to feel like things would be okay. The reality I had to face was hard; because either choice that I made, I would have to process, emotionally and physically, but the fact that I had the choice, made all the difference.

I went from being a terrified girl in the bathroom, wondering how the hell she got there, to a woman with a difficult decision to make about her life.

After a lot of deliberation, sleepless nights and difficult hours, I eventually made the choice to cancel my termination appointment. I was confident when I did so, because I had been given the time to consider what I wanted. I knew that I couldn’t control what was going to happen, but I felt liberated by the knowledge that it was my decision at the end of the day. I embraced the curve-ball that the universe threw at me, and almost 18 months later I am embracing everything that motherhood brings now too. I have an immense network of support. My village is large, spanning cities and countries, and I know that I am privileged to have the support that I do. I knew I had this village when I made my decision; if not, I might have made a different one.

Six months after my baby was born, after hours of study, I sit and I write this. I love my son immensely, and I wouldn’t change the decision I made. Yet even now, there are moments that I wonder what my life would have been like, I would not have the same struggles, and I would not face the same battles.

In no way to I regret my decision; my baby is the best thing in my life right now, and the love I have for him is immeasurable, but a lot of my love and appreciation stems from the fact that I made the decision to continue with my pregnancy and to birth my baby. If I had been robbed of that choice; if I had not been allowed to consider the idea that motherhood was not what I wanted at the time, then I think somewhere inside me, even with all the love, there would have been a feeling of grief. I am privileged to have been allowed to choose, and for that I am grateful.

Abortion is not a privilege.

If we teach our children that the choices they make will shape their lives, then we should be encouraging as much choice as possible. Nobody, young or old, wise or foolish deserves to be backed into the corner of having a baby they did not plan or or do not want. We empower people with choices, and we encourage real thought in order to make decisions.

Abortion may not be something you would choose. It may be something you have never thought about. It may be something that you were denied. We tend to ignore the controversial issues in small conversations, but I encourage you to break this norm. Lets talk about this. Let’s put abortion on the agenda, because once it is there, we not only empower women with the choice about their bodies, but we inspire our children to be a little bit more open minded, and we encourage societal change.

Do Our Names Make Us? And Should We Change Them?

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Have you ever looked at someone you know and imagined them with a different name? Have you ever imagined your parent or best friend called something else? Have you ever looked in the mirror and imagined that instead of being you, with your name; you were called something entirely different. Hard isn’t it – our names make up a large aspect of who we are.

If you are a parent, you’ll know how long it can take to decide on what you’re going to name your baby – because it is something that will define them, and they will grow up with. A name, though fundamentally just a string of letters and sounds, has a lot of meaning. Names are chosen through tradition, or because we like them, or maybe they are picked because of their etymology. Personally, I know that my name was chosen because it is not difficult to spell, or pronounce (though my schooling experience begs to differ). My parents considered this, alongside other factors, when they decided what to call me. In the end, I was born with 3 names: Rohana, which means sandalwood in Sanskrit, was chosen by my mum, Aisha, the name my dad called me often as I grew up, and Dewfall, my dad’s surname.

I am Rohana Aisha Dewfall.

When people ask me who I am, I give them these names. Over the last 21 years, these names have become me, and I have become them. Essentially, my 3 names are an integral part of identity. Of course, I will argue that I am much more than my name, but my name is a grounding force for me now, and it how people think of me.

When choosing my son’s name, my partner and I discussed a lot of different ones, but if we knew someone with the same name, for example, we considered the name George, and immediately, our association to people who we know called George made us like or dislike the name. Names, are extremely powerful.

They always have been.

A woman’s name says a lot about her. Specifically her surname. I have my dads surname, so does my brother, and so does my mum. When my mum got married, she took my dad’s surname and swapped it out for her own. At the time, it was almost expected, and nobody really thought twice about it. She has created an identity based on her married name, and I couldn’t imagine her any other way.

Fast forward to my marriage, and thing are different now. I chose not to take my husband’s surname, and it is a choice that I in no way regret. I am a proud wife, and I love my husband, keeping my name does not diminish that. I am an independent person. I have created an identity around my name. The idea of changing my name is not one that I really entertained – of course we had the conversation, but H knew where I stood well before our marriage, and so it wouldn’t have come as much of a surprise when I said that unless he took my name, I would not take his.

Traditionally, when a woman took her husband’s name, it signaled to the world that she was no longer the property of her blood family (specifically her father), but was now the property of her husband. I am a feminist… and I am nobody’s property. Which is why I said that H should take my name too; that way we’d be equal. And for a while, we both toyed with the idea that we would do exactly that – he may be very traditionalist in some ways, but he married me, so he’s definitely someone who at least considers whats outside societal norms. In the end though, we decided it wasn’t a make or break thing; we were both happy to keep our own names and to give our son both of them too.

We may have different surnames, but we are no less a family that the one I grew up in – and even though it means I get stopped at the airport and asked for proof of relationship, or addressed incorrectly  from time to time, I am happy I kept my surname. It is something that I have questioned a little bit more recently, but writing this has been cathartic, because I know that I made the right choice. My gut was right – it usually is.

We are more than our names, in the same way that we are more than the labels society gives us. I am a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend and much more – but most of all I am me; figuring out who ‘me’ is tends to be the most difficult part.

Identity can be elusive… so I pose the question to you – who are you? Are you your name, or are you more?

Cot? Maybe not!

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

I know there is a stigma about co-sleeping so before you read this and judge me, I would never do anything to put my baby in harms way, and I would only ever advocate co-sleeping when free from drugs, alcohol and anything that would make it unsafe, including other children with very small babies.

From the start of my pregnancy I had looked a co-sleeping. There were so many benefits, it saved the cost of a cot and bedding, and I’m a student, I live in my room, I didn’t really want to have a huge cot in it! Don’t get me wrong, I have not held back on the baby stuff but I was definitely assessing all my options.
However… with all the benefits came all the advice and warnings against sleeping with a baby. And so, I decided against it. I went against my instincts, and like a robot mum I consented to the cot, and listened to everyone who told me that if I didn’t teach my baby to sleep on his own, I would regret it.

I promised that I would teach Theo Prana to use his cot, after all, who wants baby cuddles all night really?!

So as my pregnancy progressed my parents bought us a mini cot in Gibraltar. It was a blessing! Despite my views on co-sleeping both then and now, I am truly grateful for the first 6 weeks of sleeping in my own bed… my parents, as they almost always do, got it right.

Using the cot meant that Theo Prana got a decent amount of sleep and I could sleep awkwardly with far too many pillows as my body healed from the trauma of birth. He would wake and I would feed him, burp him settle him and then an hour or 2 later, we’d do the same. Essentially, like most new mums will know, I got very little sleep those first weeks. The little sleep I got was precious, and I didn’t have to worry about squishing my tiny human while I got it. Then we came to the UK and like I had done at home, I used a cot. My grandparents gifted us one that was initially bought for my brother to use when we visited on family holidays. We brought it to Portsmouth and it is now sat beside me as I type this, filled with toys and my baby carrier, baby clothes and I’m pretty sure a box of celebrations.

From having help 24/7, I was alone for days and weeks… with uni work and house drama. My parents, the amazing humans they are, helped a lot when they visited, but we had to deal with being alone. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy every moment I get with my son, we are alone now and it’s hard but we make the most of it. But a few months ago, it was new territory, and I was like a walking zombie.

He went into his cot after long periods of crying. He would get up to feed and then be restless as he fell asleep, kicking the cot and basically preventing me from sleeping. Slowly but surely I gave in to the sleep deprivation.

Less and less he stayed in his cot, and more and more he ended up in my bed. First it was from 5am, then 3am-ish, then 2am, 1am, 11.30, and finally I stopped bothering entirely. From around the end of November, Theo Prana has slept in my bed all night, every nignt. And I am a lot happier!

Feeding is a piece of cake! I get more sleep. Cuddles! Theo Prana is literally who j wake up to in the morning 💗. Co-sleeping keeps him at a good body temperature  (we are safe with the sheets) and steadies his heart rate. He is never worried that he’s alone and is extremely securely attached. It’s cheaper, or would have been if I had bought the cot, and space efficient – my cot is now a storage areas 😂. 

Overall, I wouldn’t go back. I love having him in my bed, and if I have to co-sleep until he’s 5 then that’s what I’ll do – there is nothing better than curling up with your baby at the end of the day.

Setting My 2018 Intentions

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

I’m a bit late to the party, but this is something I wanted to do months ago – I just haven’t managed to get round to it. That kind of feels like my life nowadays: if it’s not to do with Theo Prana, or uni, it just doesn’t happen.

I saw a lot of blogs, and Instagram posts about the transition from 2017 to 2018, with everyone hoping that 2018 is a better one, and that they can find themselves or catch their break this year. I genuinely hope that this happens for people, I hope that my family and friends find happiness, love and light in their lives during this year, and I hope that as 2019 comes close, people can look back at this year fondly.

However, personally, I want to set my intentions differently. I have my overall hopes and dreams for the year, but I also want to see them materialise, and I want to plan ahead. I know, very deeply, that the universe will always find a way of showing us that it is in charge, no-matter how much we try to plan ahead, but setting my years intentions seems to vague. I am choosing to sit down this evening and think not about the year as a whole, but rather about each month.

As those of you who read my blog will know, I am a student mum, and in my final year; so each month this year brings new challenges and new hopes. Really, I’d like to get into the practice of setting daily intentions, but for now, I think I will stick to this, and see how it goes. Read on for my hopes and dreams (realistic ones of course)…

January: Okay, so this one is a little late, but we are only 9 days into the month, so better late than never right!? This month I move back to university for my last term. I left my flat at uni feeling very worried about this term, I felt like I wasn’t welcome (or at least comfortable) in my own flat, and I was overwhelmed with the amount of work that I had to do. Now that I am back, I am determined not to feel the same. I want to relax with Theo Prana and play with him when he is awake and needs me, and work in the nights if and when I can… I am comfortably co-sleeping and I am actively choosing not to fight against my lack of space, personal time and sleep deprivation: not of it will last forever, and so I will enjoy even the hard parts (as much as I can anyway).

My intention for this month is to let go. I like being in control and so this month I am hoping to learn to let that go a little, and enjoy the time than I can.

February: Dissertation hand in month! Well, it’s my final draft hand in and right now that feels like miles away, so it’s definitely going to be a month of stress … my aim therefore, is to take the stress, put it in a box, and only let it out during work times. I am someone who thrives of a little academic pressure, so this month, I want to put it to use, but also make sure it doesn’t get in the way of Theo Prana’s growth. I don’t want to be distracted!

I am blessed to already know that I get to take 12 days off and go home (work hard but also take a break and be with my mum – we basically share a brain so this is always awesome), aaannnd, my fantastic father is coming to see me again! He will be spending 2 weeks with me, to help me with Theo Prana so that I can work. I know that I am extremely lucky because not everyone would have their dad come and live in their student flat and babysit – he is a star.

March: My final month at uni. And my only month alone (as it stands) so this month my intention is to be strong. I know that I will have work to do, but it will be my last month of lectures so I want to make the most of it, learn a lot, and stay strong while I cope with motherhood and student life. The month is probably going to fly by.

April: Dissertation deadline, a yoga course in Gibraltar, and hopefully my moving out of the flat. This month is going to have an ethos of work, work and more work.

May: Relax! Hopefully Theo Prana and I will be moving in with H, and so we will get some family time. I have a couple of last deadlines in May, but apart from that, I am finally a free agent. I don’t quite know how things will go yet, so this month is up in the air. My goal is to celebrate… literally everything. I want to make the most of every single thing that happens, and be happy, and play with my baby. The month of May is intended as a joyous one.

June: Summer is here. I absolutely love summer, but have no plans for this month. We may end up going home to Gibraltar for the summer, which would be wonderful, but all depends on H’s work, and what we decide as a family.

This month though, I want to take my focus to my yoga practice. I want to start learning and dedicating time every single day to my physical and mental practice. I hope to do this a little sooner, but knowing myself as I do, I feel that setting it as my intention for June is the right way to go.

July: Wow, I can’t believe how close this is – Theo Prana will turn 1 and I will (hopefully) graduate. This month I also want to celebrate life; I want to write more, and learn. Practice both on and off my mat, and swim in the ocean, which sounds exotic but is very normal in Gibraltar so I want to utilise this blessing. This month I want to relive my year with my baby, and write about it, sharing my experience if I can; telling my truth.

August: My baby brother goes to uni (hopefully!). I hope and pray that my brother gets the uni he wants, and that his journey getting there is kind. I will be on hand to help if and when I can, but I know that this will be a big learning curve, so we will be there as support if needed.

This month I want to focus on my family. Keeping practising yoga, and try to introduce Theo into my practice a little more. I want to keep writing and I want to express myself, without worrying what other people may thing.

September onwards: Gosh I don’t know how people do their yearly intentions. Breaking them down has been hard enough and I have guidelines of what should be happening every month. I won’t even pretend that I have set intentions for after the summer because it is much too far away and we will all be different people by then.

I hope that I will be back with H by then, if not fairly soon after, and that we can work on making our little family as happy and secure as possible. I want to make our house a home, and I want to build on my marriage because we really haven’t had a chance to do that yet.

Realistically though, there is no way of knowing what I will want or hope in 8 months time, so I won’t write any more on it.

My intentions for the year are to strive towards happiness. I want to live each day with love and surround my family and friends with light. I want to be strong, and work hard, and I want my baby to be happy and healthy.

They are not extraordinary ambitions; in fact, the more ordinary the better I think (I am inspired by the Dutch in this thinking). I hope that 2018 is a wonderful year, and I hope that it is kind for everyone, but I also hope that it teaches me, and helps me grow. I want to look back and feel fulfilled by the year, knowing that I made the most of everything I could.

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P.S. Photo credit to my Mum’s beautiful friend Gerry. She has done my blessing photos and did a pre-natal shoot with me too!