Assignments, deadlines, a dissertation… Nappies, teething, and breastfeeding… My life right now seems to be in a constant state of motion.

The hours are sometimes long, but they quickly melt into days, and the days mesh into weeks and months and all of a sudden it’s almost Christmas, my baby turned 4 months and I am wondering where the time has gone.

I go home in less than 2 weeks now and part of me cannot wait… but then there’s also a small voice in my head telling my that I have to do a 2500 word essay, 2 chapters of my dissertation (at least!) and study for an exam in the holidays. Basically my time at home means less time with my baby and much more time to sit and stare at a screen, hoping that I will be inspired to write about globalisation, political economy and NGOs – Theo Prana’s first Christmas is going to be a blur.

That said, I am not complaining – yes it is daunting and I am definitely a little worried about how we will manage, but, I am counting my blessings because there are many. I have a healthy, happy boy, who brings light and laughter to my life every day. He has discovered his feet, smiles so much and is babbling away now; we have our difficult and cranky moments, but our days are full of smiles. I am blessed to have a supportive family, my husband, though not living with us, visits when he can and my in-laws are excited to meet Theo – we were meant to go visit but I was unwell and so it has been left for another time. My friends all love my little one, and he is amazingly well-behaved in my lectures – of course he babbles from time to time, and my focus is never 100% on the learning, but I get to show up and participate with him by my side (or usually sat in the carrier on my front). We have been very blessed to be able to come back and study, and I will always be grateful for that.

A few days ago I felt like I needed the carousel to stop, not indefinitely but just a pause so I could catch my breath. For Grey’s Anatomy fans out there, you’ll know, as I do, that the carousel never stops. It is one of the many things from the show thaf has resonated with me and so I’ve applied to my life. Now tonight, I sit here holding my baby at almost 6am and I have been for a few hours, and in the darkness, even though I am exhausted, I can reflect. I spent a long time watching Theo Prana and admiring this little miracle. He is 4 months old and the time has flown. Sat here I have let my mind wander and tried to remember all the little details of his life so far. He may be young but his life has been full… I want to make sure it stays that way. I want to give him the best possible.

My mum used to say that I could never love her as much as she loves me and I would tell her I did; but now I understand she was right. The relationship I have with my mum is unique and special and I love her immensely. My mum is my person  (another Grey’s Anatomy reference), but the love I have for Theo Prana is fierce and whole. I am prepared to do anything for him, and I feel so much sometimes that I think i might burst. Now I understand that even though I love my mum, a mother’s love for her child/children cannot be rivaled.

The carousel doesn’t pause and even though the hard moments feel like they will never end, they do. The carousel turns through the good and the bad and even when it’s tough, the trick is to try to enjoy the ride.