This is a long overdue but fairly short post – because I am much to busy for my own good at the moment.

It is currently 01:19 and I have spent the past 5 hours (intermittently because I had to eat and feed Theo Prana) working on an assignment. I seriously don’t know how I am going to function tomorrow but I know that it will be worth it next year. That said, I take my hat off to my mum who did this for months and years – she has studied for as long as I can remember, alongside her full-time job, being a mum and running a house. Some people have super-powers and to me she is one of them.

I turned 21 last week, well 10 days ago to be precise. It’s strange, I have never had great expectations for my 21st birthday, but I definitely did not envision having a 3 month old baby by this time. Theo Prana is 15 weeks today – in 2 hours actually! For some reason 15 weeks seems like a bigger milestone than 12 did, maybe because he has grown and developed so much recently, or maybe because I think of everything in academic terms and 15 weeks is over a term.

H visited just before my birthday which was super nice, and it was a much more chilled trip than last time because he flew down and had an extra day. Theo was also a lot calmer with him so they has some proper time together, though it is still difficult to really let H have the reins because I am so used to doing everything. Plus, we have a system and it works – I definitely cannot wait to move in with him next year though; things will be a lot different then. It’s weird telling Theo that his daddy is going to visit… it’ll be good to be able to tell him that his daddy is coming home from a work day instead (bonus – he’ll understand me a lot better by then too!).

I got very spoiled actually in terms of people. H left the day before my birthday to go back to work, but my family from Gibraltar flew over on it. My brother was looking at universities so they made a short stop at mine before gallivanting around the UK. It was good to see everyone and I am looking forward to my mums next visit in a couple weeks.

So anyway, I decided that I wanted to do some fun facts about 1996 in this post, but nothing seems relevant… so instead I think I am going to pause and think.

I am a 90’s kid with very litter recollection of the 90’s – but I do know that as I grew up, in my early years and even when I was a pre-teen, my vision of the world was a good one. I know that a lot of stuff went on, but somehow, even though events like 9/11 had the world falling apart, in my small corner of the world, the sun was shinning. My parents did a brilliant job in keeping us informed but not depressed. I want to do the same for Theo, but I wonder with how the world has changed, will it be possible? I think that in a different way it might be… as I grew up, technology was advancing, and once I was in my teens, technology had taken over.

I video call H and my parents, and sometimes my in-laws. I spend hours at a time attached to a screen, for movies, music, and mostly work. Theo has been born into a world where digital technology is a major part of our everyday lives, and in his life, with a student mum who lives away from family, its more prevalent than I would like it to be.

I am conscious of the fact that he will be a toddler who knows how to use a phone – but I am also conscious of the fact that we do have time out, away from the devices. In my uni room I cannot keep my mat out constantly, but when I have my own place with H, I want to cultivate a space, with our mats out, where we can get away from all the media and devices, and we can relax. Today in yoga we talked about the importance of stimulating babies for good brain development, but also the importance of quiet time. In my 21 years I can honestly say that despite my ability to thrive under pressure and my addiction to mental stimuli, I absolutely love sitting by myself and just watching the world, or sitting on my own and watching myself. I have my parents and their encouragement of reading for that, I have learned how to enjoy my own company well; and I want to pass that on.

I am waiting for Theo to get up for a feed; there is very little point in trying to sleep for 20 minutes because I will feel more groggy and the milk will not let down as easily. It is the first time in weeks that I have not slept next to him after his first waking for food at night. I started with the cot almost all night… and I totally get that it is important for him to be comfortable sleeping alone at night – but hes so cute and tiny and it is so very much easier to have him next to me for a cuddle and feed. Half the time, if I don’t cover up, he won’t even wake me to feed (which is brilliant). I know there are many many people who have and will tell me that he will become too attached – but he won’t be co-sleeping at 15, and he won’t be breastfeeding forever; so I am going to make the most of it while it lasts.

I found this photo quote the other day and absolutely loved it. I had been second guessing my decisions to co-sleep and allow him to comfort suckle. He nurses to sleep and I let him… I rock him and I sing to him. I attend to his every cry, and when I can’t (for example when I bring him home and need to bring the pram inside) then it breaks my heart a little. Crying really is communication and I only wish that I was able to understand it better and faster.

Anyway… right on time, he has got up. I am glad to be calling it a night – it has been a long day!

Until the next time (no promises on when that will be).