So, as I’ve already established, I am a student and students have holidays. My last post was about my airport musings as I waited for my flight over a grilled cheese sandwich and hot chocolate but now I am home.
This is a beautiful photo of home: Gibraltar, taken by my dad. At one point it was actually pinned up on my uni wall for when I got homesick. It’s small and over-crowded, but it’s home.
Unfortunately, even though home is wonderful, it is definitely somewhere that I am more uncomfortable being pregnant and in the next couple of weeks I need to work on that and get over it. The community is quite small and so everyone knows everyone here… which means that most people who are acquainted with either my parents, brother or myself will probably have heard or seen that I am carrying a tiny human.
Why am I uncomfortable?
I love my baby – even though I haven’t yet met him. I feel protective and bonded with him and whenever he moves inside me I stop and take note because it is a feeling I know will not be one I am gifted for long. It is beautiful and while I do believe that pregnancy is not all that TV glamours it up to be, I do love the fact I have been given a soul to carry and raise.
BUT…
I am a student, and when I was living here I had all these ambitions and opinions on how I was going to change the world. I wanted to make myself into someone and I, for a long time, believed that marriage and babies was a thing that other women wanted but that I did not.
Top this with the fact that my parents (who are amazing and supportive) are also very conservative… and also that I semi-belong to the Indian community here… my pregnancy is a little bit of an awkward situation socially.
I have for the last 4 days had the mental battle of whether to hide my bump with leggings and a hoodie because that would be more conservative, or flaunt it because I am proud that I am carrying a tiny human. My parents are known community members, they both have jobs that deal with the public and in some ways I feel like it is extremely unfair on them to flaunt something that is really quite a cause for gossip… Luckily, they, despite their social conventions, have been nothing but supportive. They bought baby a mini crib for when I deliver and have my first couple months here, and are helping me with loads of stuff.
It is more my awareness of the social stigma that my pregnancy carries that is causing this battle than anything anyone has said – but while I profess to be a strong minded yogini, I am also flawed and this battle is one that I am still facing.
What should I do?
Honestly, I don’t know the answer to this yet. If anyone has any advice then I’d love to hear it.
I don’t want to step on anybody’s toes, but I am not embarrassed of my belly. Yes, my little miracle was a surprise but he is loved by his entire family… he is healthy and moving and I am cherishing the job I have of helping him grow. I am trying to learn what is best and I am praying that the universe will guide me so that I can do everything possible to shape him into a good, kind, confident and happy person.
Rationally I know that there is nothing anyone can say that I haven’t already thought or expected people to say… I think that I just need to come to terms with the fact that I broke the rules and did something unconventional. I may have had a life plan, but the universe had a better one and I need to learn to accept that.
I have just over 2 weeks left here and a hell of a lot to do… so I hope that by the time I head back, the battle is over, and my mind is closer to peace.
Supporting you from pregnancy to parenting 