There are a lot of things in life that make up a person; their name, their gender identity, their family and friends. It’s crazy when you think about it, that every little interaction and experience we have ever had contributes to who we are. I have been arrogant enough to often think that I am not influenced by society; that I am not a ‘sheep’ but rather that I am a person who can rise about the labels of society.  The reality is however, that I am just another woman who is a culmination of all my experiences, and so I have decided to write them down. I want to document my life experiences as a student, and a mum and a yogi on her journey to peace.

Today, I am 21 weeks pregnant and both exited and terrified. As a child, I have no idea what my stance on having children was, but as a young teenager I hated the idea – marriage and a family were for women who were conforming with society and I wanted no part in it. When I started dating my husband, things began to change. He is a family man and as things got serious and we talked about it, I discovered that the idea of having a family appealed to me – but of course, that would after I had a fancy career and had built a life for myself. I think back to the woman I was then and laugh; I was naïve to think that I could ever be in control of such things. So, I sit here, in my messy room of a university flat, aged 20 and 21 weeks pregnant. My life couldn’t be more different than what I had imagined at 15.

It’s sad but I can’t remember the date in November that I found out about my pregnancy. What I can remember is that I was not happy about it…

My then fiancé (we got married in January) was over visiting me at university for the weekend and I couldn’t shake a nagging feeling that something was up. We talked about it but we were both sure I couldn’t be pregnant – I was on the pill and we’d been careful so it seemed almost impossible. I had a pregnancy test in my room, that I had bought over a year before after a missed pill and mental freak out, but then my period had arrived and there was no need for it, so I took that test, and I was negative. Still, I had a weird feeling, and during my meditation I felt like I needed to buy another and test again. So I went online and ordered a pack of early detection tests and waited.

It was a Sunday. I had a double yoga class to teach from 16:30 and by 15:00 the tests were still not here. We got ready, and at 15:20 they arrived. Should I take them before class? Or should I wait until the morning? I decided to take them. I took 2 (just to be sure) into the bathroom with me and awkwardly waited until I was calm enough to pee on the sticks. Finished, put them on the side and went to wash my hands and wait. As I waited, my housemate went into my room to talk to my fiancé so those little positive lines came up and I was stuck in my bathroom waiting (and freaking out).

Eventually, she left my room and I walked in with the tests. I didn’t say a word, just held them up. It was 15:50 by this point so after a moment of shock we got up and finished getting ready… I remember trying not to cry. My fiancé hugged me, but I think I pushed him away quite quickly. All I could think was that this wasn’t the way it was meant to be… I had planned to surprise him by buying a baby grow that said “I love my daddy” on it, or by snail mailing him a scan picture; I had not planned for him to be sat nervously waiting on my bed and trying to hug me as a comfort as we both felt the weight of this life changing moment.

After the yoga classes, we walked back to the car, and drove it to my flat so that my fiancé could leave for work in the morning. We talked about our options then… talked about the reality of my pregnancy and bless him, despite wanting a family so very much, my fiancé was extremely supportive of the fact that I didn’t feel ready to be a mum. Truth be told, I still don’t – the enormity of being responsible for a tiny human is something I didn’t anticipate facing for at least another few years, and on that Sunday, I felt like my world was crashing around me.

·         Would I have to quit uni?

·         What would my parents say?

·         I was 20, how could my life already be over?

Hundreds of doubts, and quite frankly horrible questions went through my head, and he knew it, because he held my hand and told me that whatever I decided would be okay; he made me calmer and I am eternally grateful for that.

When my baby grows up, I will tell them this. Not because I want to make them feel unwanted – we want this baby, and we already love him/her so very much. I will tell them because I want them to know that despite them being a very big shock to us, I know that my son or daughter is already the most precious gift I could have received from the universe.